This post is dedicated to our sweet dog, Lily, who I have probably failed to mention enough. It will be written as if we are speaking to her...
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We first met you at an animal shelter in Tempe in September, 2005. Only a few months after daddy and I got married. We wanted an animal companion to share life with, and got the okay from the renter of our house at the time. We've each had our share of doggies, and I told daddy even before we got to the shelter that I wanted to see if there would be any beagles. I had never had one, but always thought they were cute. Growing up, I only ever had female dogs, so I hoped our visit would have a female beagle for me. (I wasn't picky in the least).
So we arrived one weekend afternoon and began our walk up and down the aisles of pets. So many old, tattered pets. A ton of chihuahuas. Then we came across you. At first you were just laying down, but as we stopped and bent down right at your fence, you quickly got up and came to the fence. Within seconds you were licking my hands. No other pet there had done that yet. I was also delighted at the sign that read, "6 month female beagle mix". You had met my criteria in many ways. We asked to take you outside, to see how we got along. Perfect. We went to begin the adoption process and were told the reason you were brought in was because " you didn't like kids". We were worried about that since we knew we wanted kids. I quickly called my family and our trusted groomer who seemed to know dogs very well. We worried if this was something we could change, or if this was as far as we could go. Our groomer, Crystal, said it was something we could work with. Because we loved you otherwise, we decided to take the chance and filled out the paperwork.
Best decision we ever made.
We joyfully got you home with all the fixins'. I came up with your name, Lily, on the ride home from the shelter. We worked with you on puppy training. Signed you up for puppy classes at the pet store.
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| Cute pup |
Like any normal puppy, you were a chewer. From what I can remember, you chewed on our couch pillows. You found our sprinkler system in the backyard and took out all the sprinkler lines (a few times). I know, you were teething...
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| Not innocent me, mommy |
Since mommy and daddy worked at the time, we got to the point where we couldn't trust you in the house all day at first, because of potty and chewing accidents. So, daddy developed a contraption (I totally forgot about this and laughed, probably because it didn't last very long).
When we would go out, we would put you in the contraption and shut the door - so either you stayed in the small space or you went outside. Like I said, I think it didn't last very long. If I remember right, I think you chewed or clawed your way out of that too. Smart dog.
I don't have pictures (one of the almost laundry list of things mommy regrets), but I can remember the first few years of your life we had little birthday parties for you. We found out that your birthday was guess-timated around April. I remember one year having Subway sandwiches for guests and lots of chew toys and treats for you.
As you grew older and became more trustworthy (and we knew you wouldn't chew up our house), we started not to mind if you slept with us, slept on the couches...
You could tell how happy you were to have a home. You followed us everywhere, even if mommy was cleaning...
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| Love my girl |
You were a very social doggie. You enjoyed meeting new people...that is, unless they were Santa or the groomer.
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| Someone put me out of my misery |
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| Getting better... |
You had doggie friends, though they mostly consisted of family members dogs.
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| Playing with Missy |
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| Miss Penny |
When daddy and I went on Arizona trips, we took you with us. You loved the sense of adventure, especially outside.
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| We laughed at you this trip because you were too scared to cross the little stream. Daddy had to carry you across. |
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| On a later hiking excursion to the same trail, you didn't mind the stream at all! |
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| ...or the cabin luxuries |
Then came a game changer. We were adding another member to our family. Having taken you on many walks, we never saw you growl at kids so we weren't sure why you were in the shelter for "not liking children". We weren't worried, but we still did what a lot of people recommended- Daddy brought home blankets from the hospital so you could sniff them. Little did you know, you were about to get another best friend.
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| Maybe mommy has had too many of my treats? |
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| Suddenly this room is full of...whatever this little human needs |
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| Fascinated with Lily dog (her little muzzle is keep her walking with us on walks, instead of trying to go way ahead of us) |
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| Duck hunting |
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| Licking time |
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| Cuddling with his dog |
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| Playtime |
You have been such a good big sister. When Aaron came along, you were equally as good. Two best friends now!!
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| Kids are locked in so it's a favorite place to give kisses! |
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| We're a cuddling family |
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| Cheese! |
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| Joint naptime |
You treated Nathan and Aaron like your two brothers - gave them nothing but unconditional love. You played with them (and let them play on you - many Hot Wheel car races took place on your back, but I imagine it felt like a back massage so you didn't mind), kissed them from head to toe - they'd giggle each time with glee, we'd joke that they were being given "Lily baths", that they wouldn't need to sit in the bathtub that night because you cleaned them already. They would say goodnight to you each night with kisses and rubs.
Daddy and I never gave you human food much before, but boy when the kiddos came along - they were really your best friend in that regard. You invited yourself to their plates if they didn't finish, or scrambled to eat whatever they would drop on the floor. Carrots, bacon, you loved grilled cheese. It didn't matter. Once that began, we caught you trying to fish through the garbage can.
You loved your mommy and daddy time too. Always met us at the door when we came home - Daddy in particular was always greeted warmly by you - wagging tail, barks, jumping up and down. Day after day. Then once the boys were in bed at night, it was time for your cuddles and pets.
You were my only other girl in the house in the mist of all the testosterone. You helped keep me at ease and feel safe when Daddy was gone on his business trips. You were our little Grizzly Bear - even if the UPS man rang the doorbell, you sprang and barked, your brown hair standing straight up with a little hump. I rested assured I would know something was wrong because you would warn me.
Like other dogs, you liked to chase smaller animals. Cats, of course. You enjoyed walks. Really, being outside period was a favorite activity. On Arizona nice days, it wouldn't be surprising if you spent the whole day outside. The only thing you didn't like about outside was if there was a storm - they made you really nervous. You felt safe if you could dash into our room, or behind our pants in the closet. You would tremble with anxiety and fear. So, we didn't particularly like Arizona summers at night.
A lot of times, you just liked to sunbathe.
The other great thing about the boys - they loved to go camping. Many times, they invited you! You loved it equally as much. Well, except for one time...
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| Lake Havasu |
One camping trip night, a skunk came through the premises (at the time, our tent was only big enough for the boys to sleep in it while Lily slept outside). Not sure what happened, but you got sprayed. Your ears looked a little irritated, but more than anything you were smellllly. So stinky. I swore that was your last camping trip. I think it took a few weeks (and a lot of tomato juice baths) but we finally got the smell out of you. Then of course we took you to get cleaned a few times too. Poor puppy. That didn't stop you from going camping, though! (we got a new tent last Christmas that was now big enough for you to sleep inside with boys, woohoo!)
On and on the happy years passed. This past April, you turned TEN years old!
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| Well...we aren't always happy about turning another year older |
With such a big number, we wanted to celebrate. We bought you treats, took you for a long walk, had a playdate with your doggie friend...all of your favorite things.
This past summer you got to go on every camping trip the boys took, which I believe was three! Then, we lucked out and went up north to Flagstaff and stayed in a cabin (this was mentioned in a previous post --Fall Color--a month ago, to see Fall color--some pictures may be duplicates of those already posted). This was your first visit to Aunt Angie's cabin.
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| Grand Canyon! |
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| Back to our favorite hiking trail in Sedona- West Fork.This time, for the first time, we did the majority of the trail. |
More and more I've become a believer that things happen for a reason. So now looking back, I can see why we had a summer and early Fall full of outside adventures for you.
Now comes the hard part of this post. Just about two weeks ago, it was a Tuesday afternoon. I was on my computer, which sits next to a window that looks out into your dog run. I happened to look out and saw you throw up. This wasn't necessarily out of the ordinary, as sometimes you eat something you shouldn't have, it was something you did every now and then. No biggie. It was also no biggie to watch you then eat it back up :p Gross. Then the rest of the day carried on like normal. Dinner time came, and you ate what we fed you, just like any other day. However, during the night that night, you threw up multiple times. I wasn't quite worried yet, I again just thought it was maybe just a bad day for you.
Wednesday came along and I discovered a pair of my underwear in your dog run. You hadn't really gotten into our clothes before, but in the last few months you have taken to my underwear in particular and ripped the crotch. This time was different, as I discovered about 75% of my underwear was missing. I didn't even think at the time you could have swallowed it, as you've never consumed anything like that before in your life. You merely used things as "chewing toys" and then discarded them when you were done.
Anyway, we continued to watch you Wednesday. We noticed you didn't eat. We simply thought you just felt crummy from throwing up the day before. We continued then to just watch you closely, tried to coax you to eat, but decided by Thursday if you weren't doing any better we would take you in.
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| Not feeling well in the garden |
Thursday morning I was to help with Nathan's field trip. I left Aaron with my mom. She noticed that you started to look lethargic. Nor were you eating, and by the time I got home you weren't drinking either. Immediately, I went right back to school and took Nathan out. Aunt Angie watched your brothers while I and Uncle Brad (Daddy was in Flagstaff for work) took you into an animal hospital. We went right into getting an X-ray done. It showed something in your stomach, but we couldn't tell what. It was in your intestine, which was why it couldn't pass through as it was most likely stuck. The vet recommended we get to an emergency clinic to get an Ultrasound done, to help distinguish the object and location better. It was then possible to need surgery to remove it.
It was hard because I couldn't get ahold of Daddy. Once I finally did, he wanted us to wait until the morning so he could come with us to the clinic. Nervously we went home, with a warning from the vet that it was possible you could "bleed, stop breathing or perforate" (this was also after you had been administered IV fluids for dehydration).
Needless to say, that night I was a nervous wreck. I had you sleeping beside me so I could watch you. Luckily you survived the night so as soon as we took the boys to school the next morning, we ran you to the emergency clinic. We had an Ultrasound done, which indeed showed a long, stringy like material in your intestine. They were immediately worried about damage to your intestine and wanted to operate right away to remove the object, and some intestine if need be. First they wanted to hydrate you again, then we signed off on surgery and an overnight stay.
It was a long afternoon waiting to hear how surgery went. Finally, what felt like a day later, we got a call with the news that surgery was successful. It was, indeed a pair of my underwear (regret #1) . Unfortunately, they did have to remove about two feet of your intestine because of damage. The surgeon made it sound like it wasn't a huge deal, as there was enough intestine to go around. You were resting and on pain medication. If anything critical happened that night they were to call me.
Saturday morning I woke up relieved my phone hadn't rung during the night. I tried calling first thing that morning to get an update on you, but the staff was going through a "staff change" and I would need to wait. Hours later, I finally got a call. You seemed to be doing okay, though they tried feeding you food and you wouldn't eat. They asked if we would mind coming over to try. Immediately we made some rice, had some chicken broth and came over. We were so glad to see you. However, we neither had luck getting you to eat. They were administering IV fluid to you still for hydration. We talked about the possibility of a feeding tube. They weren't comfortable sending you home that night since you weren't eating on your own, wanted to manage your pain longer and be sure there wasn't complications from surgery. So, we signed off on another overnight stay and for feeding tube. They also thought you would improve to heal with nutrition, so we of course then wanted to be sure you were administered food. I also didn't like the idea of all this medicine for you without something on your tummy.
I called again that afternoon and felt like I needed to come pay you another visit, try to get you to eat one more time. So, while the boys went to our church Halloween carnival that night, I came over on my own for a bit.
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| I brought you a few things from home, too, to try and bring you more comfort |
As I was leaving I was told again I would get a call if anything urgent happened during the night.
Sunday morning came, and again I was relieved to have not gotten a call. And again, I called first thing and there was a "staff change" so we just decided to wait until after church and just come right over.
This time, the nurse told us you had started to eat, yay! Someone had a jar of Gerber chicken baby food and you ate it up. Even during our visit we had it out and you ate more. We took you outside and you had stool. You were wagging your tail. You had a bit of something they called "regurging", where you were vomiting like, only it was bile. But, when you "regurged" it wasn't very much liquid. They weren't concerned.
The emergency clinic wanted to still keep you another day, again just for pain management and continuous watching. However, by this time Daddy and I had up to a just about $9,000 bill. If the hospital felt comfortable, we wanted to take you home and monitor you ourselves - we knew you, too, would be more comfortable at home, and we hoped you would recover even better there. The hospital was okay with that decision, as long as I followed their list of instructions...
....basically, a slew of medications. I had to write down everything as to keep it straight. I wanted to be sure I followed their instructions to a T. I had gone shopping and bought a new, "harder to get in" kitchen trash can and hampers. I also picked up Gerber baby food, since you seemed to be taking to it. We let them keep you through Sunday afternoon, and I picked you up Sunday night in time to visit with the boys before they went to bed.
That night I had you sleep in our room to keep an eye on you. I had luck giving you medicine if it was coated in peanut butter. You ate a tiny bit, but we weren't trying to get you to eat a Thanksgiving meal. Only ever a few tablespoons at a time so we weren't concerned. That night we felt bad for you since you had bathroom accidents while you slept. We were told this was normal, due to medication, you possibly being sore and tired. Otherwise, it was a good night.
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| Yay for Lily coming home! |
As directed by the clinic, we made an appointment for you the following day at the animal hospital to follow up.Originally, the animal hospital prescribed nausea medicine for you before surgery, and we hadn't given it to you since. Since we heard your gurgling stomach Sunday night, they wanted you back on it. They too, for precaution gave you another IV and nausea shot. They also gave us strictly digestive can dog food to try, which you seemed to like a bit. You were still slowly eating. You were still regurging a tiny bit, but again they didn't seem concerned. Monday night was the same - we had you in the room with us, only we were relieved that your stomach wasn't gurgling anymore. You still unfortunately were having potty accidents, however. I managed to remember all your medicine.
Tuesday morning I decided to get pads for you to sleep on, so we wouldn't need to clean laundry. You were re-gurging some that morning. When I was out, I picked up a turkey sandwich with nice turkey chunks on it. I wondered if I would be able to get you to eat it, since you stopped eating the baby food and the digestive can food we received. Success! You inhaled the turkey pieces. Aaron had accidentally dropped a piece of wheat sandwich bread and you were quick to inhale that too. Next I moved on to making you one bite peanut butter sandwiches so you would take your medicine and eat something somewhat substantial. Tuesday ended up being a great day - other than you regurging in the morning, you stopped the rest of the day. I felt comfortable letting you sleep out in our great room as opposed to our bedroom that night.
Wednesday was the best day of the whole week. Success with medicine, you weren't regurging, you seemed to be feeling better so your old self came back - happy, waggy tail, even doggie kisses (the first in over a week). You continued to eat, I even went to the store and bought you shredded chicken which you loved and inhaled just as much as the turkey. You still wanted to mostly be outside, and you started drinking from our water fountain, which you like to do in our garden, which was another promising sign.
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| Mmmmm...give me more chicken! |
Everything just seemed to be clicking. When Daddy came home from work that day, you greeted him with your tail wagging (as you normally would, though we were missing your bark). We were starting to get a little relieved that we were turning a corner to the better. That night, I again felt comfortable letting you sleep in the great room.
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| Wed afternoon |
Keeping you overnight and with tests meant that would cost another $2500 or so. And at that, we weren't sure that whatever was going on was even actually going to get "cured", they were going to just try and make you as comfortable as could be. Basically, we didn't want to put you through another day of tests and getting poked, especially if they couldn't really solve anything at the end of it. We hoped that, since on Monday you got IV/nausea med and seemed to get re-booted from that, that you would re-boot yourself again, especially if you were resting more comfortably at home. We hoped between the IV/nausea that it would make you feel better some so you would go back to eating. So, we came home after your IV/nausea meds were administered. They wondered if you were regurging a good amount because you ate too much and your gut wasn't ready for it. Alas, no one was quite so sure. We didn't really know anything about what was going on, only that we hoped with hydration and hopefully feeling better to your tummy that you would start to feel better.
Not too long after we were home, however, you continued with regurging. We started to feel defeated. You continued to not want to eat. You drank, but almost immediately you would just regurge. Ultimately...Daddy and I knew we couldn't let you continue like this, nor did we really want to take you back for anymore tests or hospital life. We decided to let you enjoy one more night at home.
It was as if the weather matched our mood - gloomy clouds filled the sky and rain steadily came down. After the kids were put to bed, we came out to love on you as much as we could. Again, we tried to keep you still so you wouldn't regurge. It got to the point, however, that it didn't matter if you were moving or not, even from a laying down position you would let up. I continuously tried making potpourri to mask the smell that started to fill the room. A few times you fell asleep for bits of time. We sulked more when we saw bloody pee leak out. You looked so uncomfortable we tried to get you outside, your favorite place. You made it near the swing where we could pet you while you tried to rest. It was cool out, and it began to rain. We covered you with blankets and spent a good two hours out there. By that time it was 4AM on Friday morning. We came inside and you actually fell asleep for a good two hours.
I wanted to curse at the sun trying to break through the clouds that day, for I knew what it meant. What this day was going to bring. My eyes swelled with tears.
We made sure the kids loved on you before they went to school that morning. They knew you were sick (they saw many of your regurges), and they knew you weren't eating. We told them it was likely you wouldn't make it through the day. As soon as I dropped them off, I made the call to the animal hospital to be expecting us. It takes an hour for preparation.
I also knew I didn't want to just take you right in. I wanted to take you to a place you enjoyed, to hopefully find some peace. You were well deserving of it, being so brave and sweet through your whole ordeal. Plus it was going to be our last little bit of quality time with you, with the way it began - just the three of us. We decided to take you to one of our neighborhood lakes - a place you liked to chase ducks, roll around on the grass.
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| You were up for a little walk |
The time arrived and we left for the hospital. As soon as we arrived you started to sulk, your head down. Our poor girl. Our room was ready. Daddy and I wanted to be with you until the end.
The assistants explained what would happen. We decided to keep a clay pawprint of yours and some fur. They started to get your catheter ready. It was almost as if you didn't care, judging by your body language. The vet arrived with the different syringes - a sedative and the one that would stop your heart. This is all I wish to discuss about the procedure, other than to say it did seem painless and extremely fast. As in seconds fast. We finally made you feel better.
We were allowed to stay as long as we wanted with you in the room once you were gone. We did for a little bit. We decided to have your ashes, as to spread them in your favorite places.
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We have been, and are still, deeply saddened that it took your life in order for you to feel better, to be at peace. We are deeply saddened that essentially you left feeling the same way things started almost two weeks ago. We are deeply saddened that you left too early with too much life left. Even though you were almost eleven years old, you still had energy and health. You hadn't shown signs of slowing down. This was not how you were suppose to go.
Our family will be grieving for quite some time. It is so hard to try and find "the new normal". I like my desk, but it looks out into the dog run. A dog run with no dog. It is nice outside to finally play, but there is no dog drinking water from the fountain or sunbathing on the grass. We play inside, but there is no dog nudging the door open to join us on the floor. Daddy will come home shortly from work, and there will be no dog barking and jumping with excitement. During the day I don't hear the little "pitter patter" of the doggie door opening and closing with you coming in and out all day. I go to vaccum and your hair isn't all over the tile. I start cooking and baking in the kitchen and you aren't rushing in, looking for anything I may have dropped or spilled. I don't rush to clear the table from dinner because there is no dog trying to beat me to the plates of food left. If you aren't everywhere then you are loudly absent from everywhere.
Our grief comes and goes in waves. Mornings and evenings are toughest for me, so far, because it means we're waking up and ending one more day without you.
Of course with kids, they have questions. Nathan wants to know why the doctors couldn't save you. He doesn't understand why, if God is so powerful, why can He not send you back to us. Why do we have to wait so long until we can see you again. He too, is going through his own waves of grief. The boys loved you all the same, even if they didn't show it at times.
We felt a little sense of relief when you passed on. We're trying hard to trust in the belief that you are better now in doggie heaven, back to being the happy, playful dog you have always been - chasing friends, sunbathing in meadows. As the days of grief have continued on, I have become selfish. Now I want to SEE - to have 150% certainty - you're in a happier place, healthy at last. So that I can have complete closure, knowing we ultimately did the right thing. The past few days I have been wishing this , then something happened when I went to pick up Nathan from school today.
A rainbow appeared.
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More than anything, sweet Lily, I hope you know you were loved and treasured. Loved enough that if it meant giving you up to make you better, we were willing to sacrifice, despite the loss we would feel.
We are only suffering as to show the love and joy you have given to us.
We are looking forward to the day when we can be reunited again. Until then, please continue to watch over us, letting us know you're near, as you've done the last few days. We will miss you each and everyday. We love you so much, our darling girl.
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| The Farmer's Market had both Lily and Heather flowers the day after Lily's passing |
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